i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
