If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
