My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
