She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I AM VODKA MAN
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
