She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
