I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
