So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
