Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
