she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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