i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
