My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
