Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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