Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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