I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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