I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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