My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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