Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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