nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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