Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Your penis caused this!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
