I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
