oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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