Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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