i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
