im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
