3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
