At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
