Old men and throwing up are my life now.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
