So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Life is so much better after having sex.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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