Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
