Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
