I hate your face
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
