upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
