He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
