im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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