the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
