Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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