I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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