i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
