Umm I'm too high to move.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
