look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
