He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
