I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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