So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
be right there i have to get my cape
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
