she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
