What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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