He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
