Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
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