he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
