i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
