you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
