I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Your cock deserves a montage
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
