the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
