just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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