I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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