dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
