We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
